Nothing to fear but fear itself

Have you ever found yourself afraid to do or say something for reasons that seem silly even to you? I find myself in this situation more often than I'd like to admit. It's usually because I'm very confrontation avoidant. I really dislike conflict with other people, even more so when those people are friends or family. So while I might really want to speak my mind, I don't because I'm afraid it might cause a conflict with someone. At times, I have good reason to avoid causing unnecessary conflict. I personally like being on good terms with my neighbors and my in-laws. This is the primary reason I avoid talking about religion or politics with almost everyone except my spouse. I find that my point of view on these things is rarely popular with others. I realize that it wouldn't kill me if I got into an argument with someone, I'd just rather not.

Other times, I'll be hesitant to do something, and I'm not even sure why. I suppose it's probably that all too common fear of the unknown. Depending on what it is, I might be afraid of appearing, or even feeling, stupid or incompetent or whatever. The reasons are usually pretty silly. I've never had the world come crashing down around me when I finally decided to take action. More times than not, things work out just fine, and it was no big deal.

So why is it that some of us so often find ourselves faced with this irrational fear? I suppose it's a bit of insecurity and perhaps a bit of a lack of self-confidence. Maybe it's even just a bit of not wanting to leave our comfort zone. In the end, I think it's a just a sign that we should dig a littler deeper into ourselves and muster the gumption to take that chance. Most of the time, we're not actually taking that  big of a risk. So why not? I, for one, would like to take control of my life instead of letting life take control of me.

Today I Feel Like A Failure

Yesterday, I signed my oldest child up for school. I have now sent my two oldest children off to the charter school instead of continuing to homeschool them. My son wanted to go, so he's been attending since the beginning of the school year. Having been unable to maintain my mental, physical, and emotional stamina over the last month, I agreed with my husband that it would probably be best to enroll our daughter as well. She starts on Monday. I will still have my youngest at home with me, and I will continue to homeschool her. However, unless there are some drastic changes within the next couple of years, she will also go to the charter school when she reaches fourth grade.

So, why do I feel like a failure? I had always thought I'd homeschool my children all the way through. Unfortunately, my real children aren't much like the kids I imagined I'd have. (OK, whose are?) Maybe someday, if my children become more self-directed and self-motivated learners, they'll come back to homeschooling. For the present, though, it seems incumbent for my personal sanity and well-being as well as domestic tranquility within my household that they attend school. However, I can't help feeling that I've somehow let them down in this season of their lives. I'm hoping that this change will help me to be a kinder mother to my children. I hope I will have the emotional and physical reserves to be able to give them what they need.

But today, I feel like I have failed them as a mother and as a teacher. I also feel like have failed my husband as a wife because I was not able to properly educate our children. My weariness over the past month has taken its toll on him as well, and I feel I have not been the wife I wish to be. I hope this change will enable me to be a more loving and supportive wife.

I know that I have done what I could with what I had, but I wish I had been able to do better.

Contemplations

I'm beginning to think that perhaps I'm having a midlife crisis, although crisis seems like a vast overstatement of the situation. I don't so much feel that I'm in crisis as much as I feel like I'm at a juncture or turning point. I've been examining some of my beliefs and trying to figure out just exactly what it is I believe. In doing so, I've uncovered a number of contradictions that I never really noticed before. I'm starting to think about my beliefs in a way I never have before and in a way that I think may have a lasting effect on my life. I think I may even be determining what my beliefs really are instead of just going with the things I've always been told or with a passing whim. It's proving to be an interesting journey at the very least.

While contemplating beliefs and such, I had a thought that, while I'd never claim to be the only one who's ever had it, I've never heard expressed before. I think it probably started stirring in my mind about Thanksgiving, but only more recently did it become a concise idea. I was listening to a radio program discussing some traditions of the Native Americans and ways they were attempting to keep these traditions alive and passed on to the next generations. I began to think of my own ancestors and realized that I have no ancestral culture or traditions which I could really claim. My ancestors were from many different places, and no traditions of any kind have been passed down through my family. There is no one land that I could claim as my ancestral home. In a strange way, I was envious of the Native Americans who can say, "I belong to a specific tribe. These were the ways of my ancestors. This is the land of my ancestors." What a wonderful connection to be able to have. I wish them success in retaining as much of the culture and beliefs as they can. For myself, I guess I will have to continue to search myself for my beliefs. Perhaps I will make some new traditions with my family that we can call our own even if they aren't tied to any particular culture or society. Maybe we will even discover traditions practiced in the lands of our ancestors that we would like to adopt.

As I sort through my beliefs and try to reconcile the contradictions, discarding those things which do not ring true, I will be doing my best to be the best person I can be. There are a number of things that I consider fundamental truths which seem to exist in most, if not all, belief systems I have seen. If I can do nothing else, I must be true to who I am, for I can be no one other than myself.

In the mists of darkness

It has been almost two and a half months since my father's passing, and I am still struggling to find my bearings in this world without him. Despite his declining health over the last five years, I always held out hope that he would start to get better. I wanted so desperately for my presence and the presence of my children to provide the magic antidote that would help him recover. In his last few months, I visited him nearly everyday. I was endlessly frustrated by the inability to fix the problem and make things better, because I'm a problem solver and I like to make things right. I knew my father loved children, and I hoped my children being near would give him a reason to fight to get better. In the end, his body was too tired and his spirit longed to return Home, even the promise of my brother moving back couldn't keep him here in his suffering any longer.

While I am happy his suffering and misery has ended, there is a gaping hole in my life and a grief that knows no bounds and no end. My father was a constant in my life. No matter what I did, he always accepted me and loved me unconditionally. My father taught me to love music and science, to seek for the solutions to problems using the resources I had available to me, and to not be constrained by the usual methods of doing things. I was forever his little girl, even to his dying day. In his last days, before he lost the ability to speak, my mother told me he asked, at 5:00 am, "Where's my little girl?" How I wish I could have been there with him at that moment to answer, "Right here, Daddy." The frail, sick old man before me in those last days was not the reality of the father I knew. My father never stopped being the strong man who could fix just about anything in my eyes. Always the one to lend a helping hand, my father helped nearly every one who asked him, even those who were "too busy" to help him when he needed help in return. I know he wasn't perfect, no one is, but my father was honest, hard working, and kind, and will always be the first person I looked up to.

One of the things I find most saddening, is that, for spending nearly his whole life in one little community, dying where he was born, raised, and raised his own family, his death seems largely unnoticed in the community at large. Even amongst his own family, few of the extended family ever really got to know him. Even fewer of his neighbors and people in the area really knew him. The ones who did know him almost seemed to want to pretend they didn't. Knowing this, I find the condolences of many of these people to be rather hollow. I guess that's why he didn't want a funeral, just military rights at his grave. He never could stand the hypocrisy of people who condemned a person during his lifetime then sang his praises at his death. I guess I got that from him, too.

So, as I make my way through these endless mists in a forever darkness, attempting to recapture a sense of myself and my life, I think of my daddy with the profound, unwavering love of a child. The promises of being united with him in the next life seem to do little to alleviate the pain I feel and the longing to be with him now in this life. I try to be strong for my children, for my mother, and for my brother, but the pain and the sorrow and the tears are always there just waiting to burst forth. Some days are better than others. I'm trying to be the person he saw me as, the person he would want me to be. I know he would want me to be happy, and so I try. I'm trying to instill in my children a love for a man they had really only known for the last year, a man brought down with the weight of ongoing illness. I'm trying to give them a sense of the man he was before he got sick. He is always in my heart, and I will cherish his memory forever.

Asynchronous Development and False Assumptions

I recently read of the frustrations of a mother and her highly, perhaps even profoundly, gifted son. (The boy reads at a second grade level, does addition and subtraction, etc.) The boy will be 3-years old within a month and hates to leave the house (and "freaks out" if the mother must take him somewhere) because of his fear that others do not treat him as though he is intelligent and capable. The mother admits that he knows he is intelligent and is treated as such by his family, and he is allowed to be his own authority, to some extent, in the home as long as he is responsible. No other details are provided about the situation. Having studied asynchronous development within the gifted population at some length, I was left pondering several questions and considering the false assumptions I have seen many adults make about gifted children. I am not saying this mother is making false assumptions about her son or their situation. She knows both intimately and not enough details were given to come to any firm conclusions. However, what I read did lead me down a certain path of thought.

When our little ones show precocity at an early age, it is easy to forget how young they really are. While the intellectual age of a child may be that of an 8-year old, his/her body is still that of a 3-year old. There are things s/he is still not physically able to do; that includes things that his/her brain is probably not able to do yet. Around the age of three is when most children start learning to self-regulate, that is to control their emotions and reactions to their experiences. As most parents know, 3-year olds are quite prone to tantrums and meltdowns. Imagine how difficult it must be to know that you know something when an adult is telling you that you can't possibly know that, and then not be able to control your frustration and anger to that situation. We all know as adults that it's hard to take another adult seriously if they're having a complete meltdown about something. How much harder is it to believe a young child when s/he is acting like a typical 3-year old while trying to convince you s/he has the intellect of an 8-year old?

I cannot say what this mother's situation is, but I have to wonder if this young child is emotionally ready to handle being given the level of autonomy alluded to without adverse unintended consequences. To delve into child development for a moment, the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, which controls executive functioning doesn't fully develop until around age 25. At 3, it is only beginning to develop, although there will be extensive development between the ages of 3-6. Executive functioning concerns such things as attention, self-regulation, working memory, reasoning, and problem solving. One of the hallmark characteristics of gifted children is that they almost always develop asynchronously. For that matter, most children develop with at least a slight degree of asynchronicity. Children who are intellectually advanced are not necessarily as advanced, or even advanced at all, emotionally. I knew a boy who was highly gifted intellectually, but his emotional and social level was actually below his chronological age. By age 10, he was working on advanced algebra and could read just about anything. However, he was also prone to throwing tantrums like a preschooler when things didn't go his way -- right down to laying on the ground kicking and screaming. He had difficulty making friends because he tended to have rather rigid, black-and-white thinking which made it difficult for him to accept that another person's point of view was just as valid as his own. Aside from some very basic choices (e.g., what clothes to wear, etc.), most parents would not consider a 3-year old mature enough to have "authority" over themselves. (Although, I must admit that I'm not entirely sure what this mother meant by that.) Intelligence aside, most preschool children have not had enough life experiences to allow them to make well thought out decisions. If we add in the inability to consistently regulate and control one's emotions and responses to situations, then it seems even less wise to allow such a young child to be "his own authority" to much of any extent. Which is not to say that you shouldn't ask the child's opinion and preferences, but in the end, the parent should still be calling the shots.

The other thing that occurred to me as I pondered this situation was that it reminded me of my own son. My son is also quite bright, and by age three he had become a master manipulator, especially where I was concerned. At certain times and in certain places, I have a very low tolerance for whining and tantrums. I'm also rather conflict avoidant, and I prefer not to make a scene in public. (As an aside, now that I have three children, I've gotten a lot better about this sort of thing.) My son very quickly figured out that in certain scenarios he could just about anything he wanted by throwing a fit. If I was a three-year old and my mother wanted to take me somewhere I didn't want to go, I'd pitch a fit, too. If the fit had to be to the level of "freaking out" to get what I wanted, well then, that's what I'd do. In a large part due to the fact that at age three, even very intelligent children are not necessarily developmentally mature enough to be able to see things from another person's point of view or to even realize that s/he is not the center of the universe. It generally takes until about age 5 or 6 before children realize that just because they can see something or know something it doesn't necessarily mean that other people can see or know those things. The mother mentioned that her son doesn't even like to go to the library because the librarians are always telling him "no". On one level this sounds like he doesn't fully grasp that his intelligence isn't blindingly obvious to the librarians. On another level, I find myself wondering what the librarians are saying "no" to. Has this child never been told no before? Or has he always gotten what he wanted? It would seem to me that if this boy was able to respond to this situation with the level of maturity that his mother seems to believe that he has, the librarians would eventually begin to accept that he is "intelligent and capable."

In the end, I wish this mother the best of luck. Gifted children are wonderful and often full of quirks. It makes them interesting people. I also think it would be wise for her to reassess the power dynamic within her family. For a child who is not quite three, this little boy seems to hold an awful lot of power within the family. This is a potential land mine better defused now than exploded later. I've met a large number of gifted children and gifted adults, as well as having been a gifted child myself. What I know from my own experience and having talked with these people is that all children, even gifted ones, are still children and want to have the same fun and sense of belonging as other children. It is an incredible disservice to all involved, but especially the child, to forget that he is still a child and still has many of the same needs as any other child his age.

History at the Personal Level

I've always been interested in history, and although I have areas of history I find more interesting than others, I find it all interesting from world history down to the personal history of an individual. As a student of psychology, what I have discovered is that knowing the history of a person at all levels greatly enhances my understanding of that person and my ability to understand his or her perspective. Each of us views the world through our own personal lens which is shaped by our own unique history. Our personal histories are the culmination of the histories of the people around us in ever-widening circles until it encompasses the entire world. Just as the moon pulls on the tide, so the events of the world pull on each us to varying degrees. 

Because I find history so interesting, I tend to gravitate towards readings, pictures, documentaries, and such about history. Recently, I've begun to bring history to the most personal level I know -- that of myself and my family. I have found it a fascinating and informative adventure looking through old photographs and reading the few life sketches available to me at present. As I have thought about what life was like for these people, I have also wondered about what these people were like. What were their personalities? Their likes and dislikes? Why did my grandfather never smile in pictures? This last made me wonder about what kinds of thoughts my grandfather might have had (I never knew him). Ultimately, I began to consider myself and my own personal history. 

I began to think over the events of my life so far, particularly those of my childhood, and to contemplate how those events shaped my personality and who I am today. There are things which happened in my childhood that I remember vividly. Perhaps more importantly, there are thoughts and feelings I remember having that I know have had a tremendous impact on my life. Many of these are demons in the dark that I still struggle with. I have also learned things about my parents that I did not know as a child. With an adult's perspective, I can see how the things in their histories have played a part in making me who I am by making my parents who they are.

When I deal with someone who reacts to an event in a way I consider strange, out-of-proportion, or simply inexplicable, I find myself wondering what in this person's past might be causing this reaction. This same thought can be expand to groups, communities, cities, and even countries. Knowing history can give us a clearer view of the present. There is an old adage that says those who do not know history are doomed to repeat it. Maybe we can all learn something about each other from our histories, and, in so doing, learn how to coexist a little more peacefully.

School Choice

This week is National School Choice Week. I am very much in favor of school choice. Not just being able to pick which public school your child attends, but being able to choose the method of education you think is the best fit for your child and your family, whether that be public school, charter school, private school, or home school. My own children have already had diverse experiences with this; the oldest is only seven. Currently, my oldest is enrolled at the local public elementary school because that is where she is able to get the services she needs right now. My second is enrolled at a local charter school; mostly because he wanted to give it a try and because it seemed like it might be a good learning environment for him at this point. Both were home schooled last year. My youngest is being home preschooled.

I've always believed in taking advantage of as many naturally occurring learning opportunities as I can. All of my children knew and were able to read all letters of the alphabet and numbers one through ten by the time they were two years old. They loved watching the LeapFrog videos, and we took advantage of that by giving them their own letters and numbers to play with (blocks, magnets, foam, etc.). Recently, the kids have been learning kitchen math. They are getting familiar with fractions as well as practicing addition, subtraction, and a bit of multiplication and division. They learn about plants and bugs playing out in the yard. My oldest has a strong interest in bugs especially. My three-year old loves to watch Dora and Diego and has become quite familiar with a number of different animal species. Granted, they don't cover all subject areas, but at this age, I like to let their interests direct them so that they continue to enjoy learning.

I have been very fortunate that my children all seem to have an aptitude for academics and an interest in them. As they've grown from toddlers to school-age children, their unique learning challenges have begun to surface. My oldest was a preemie and, as a result, has some significant motor skills delays. Writing is terribly difficult and tiring for her. She has sensory integration and processing difficulties which cause her to become easily distracted and bothered by the sights and sounds around her. I was very concerned about her ability to function in a normal classroom when she expressed a desire to attend school instead of continuing to home school this year. However, she has a kind and understanding teacher who has helped her learn to function in the classroom, and she is doing surprisingly well. In addition, she also receives various therapy services through the school that we were unable to afford privately. I was also concerned about her brother's ability and willingness to conform to classroom behavior when he decided he wanted to attend the charter school. He is very active, has difficulty not talking constantly, and is also easily distracted. His teacher has also been very successful at getting him to function in the classroom. Both kids are quite a bit ahead of their classmates academically, so their teachers are able to focus more on their behaviors knowing they can easily do their classwork.

I do still worry that if my children continue to attend school, they will become bored with the course work. I already see a little of that in my son, and he's only in kindergarten. I take comfort in knowing that when the time is right, we can begin to do full-time home school again. We have that choice. We are lucky to live in a place where we can home school without any interference from the government. However, there are dangers lurking on the horizon that threaten that freedom. Be ready and willing to fight for the right to choose how and where your children are educated. You are your child's best teacher and advocate. Know your options. Know your rights. Knowledge is power, and it is the best way to arm yourself against those who would take your rights away from you.