Today I Feel Like A Failure

Yesterday, I signed my oldest child up for school. I have now sent my two oldest children off to the charter school instead of continuing to homeschool them. My son wanted to go, so he's been attending since the beginning of the school year. Having been unable to maintain my mental, physical, and emotional stamina over the last month, I agreed with my husband that it would probably be best to enroll our daughter as well. She starts on Monday. I will still have my youngest at home with me, and I will continue to homeschool her. However, unless there are some drastic changes within the next couple of years, she will also go to the charter school when she reaches fourth grade.

So, why do I feel like a failure? I had always thought I'd homeschool my children all the way through. Unfortunately, my real children aren't much like the kids I imagined I'd have. (OK, whose are?) Maybe someday, if my children become more self-directed and self-motivated learners, they'll come back to homeschooling. For the present, though, it seems incumbent for my personal sanity and well-being as well as domestic tranquility within my household that they attend school. However, I can't help feeling that I've somehow let them down in this season of their lives. I'm hoping that this change will help me to be a kinder mother to my children. I hope I will have the emotional and physical reserves to be able to give them what they need.

But today, I feel like I have failed them as a mother and as a teacher. I also feel like have failed my husband as a wife because I was not able to properly educate our children. My weariness over the past month has taken its toll on him as well, and I feel I have not been the wife I wish to be. I hope this change will enable me to be a more loving and supportive wife.

I know that I have done what I could with what I had, but I wish I had been able to do better.